Screaming In Silence

Despite with everything going on in the world, I can confidently say my current feelings have nothing to do with it.

I was a normal introvert, the only thing I don’t really do now that I did before was go to a sit down restaurant, walk store asles, get my hair cut or go to the movies. I rarely saw friends, so really besides going out for above mention was going into the office to work. And the only way not going to the office has changed my life is a lot less stress, I can control my environment so no sudden migraine triggers.

I mostly communicate by word instead of face to face. To me its just easier and less pressure, say whats on your mind, hit send, walk away. If its important you can call or face to face. But it seems like everyone who I view in my circle I try to communicate with, isn’t interested in me.

Then I fall back into a dark space of questioning if I’m being annoying, am I complaining too much, am I being needy, am I just bothersome.. Which then leads me further down to, maybe I should just walk away, not like anyone would notice or care.

Then I stop. Sigh. Mumble a thanks mom amd try to ignore those thoughts abd feelings. I’ve been tempted to just run away for many years, leave and start over somewhere new. But I’m not brave enough to do it.

I try not to be annoying. I try not to complain all the time. I try to be funny. I try to be caring. I try to be me. But at times like now, I wonder if that is enough. Lately, from the whole pandemic, I’ve been realizing that if I suddenly died no one would notice or care. If I don’t post on social media, no one notices. If I don’t call or show up to work for 3 days they’ll just fire me. I’d likely only be found dead once they come to change the locks to evict me.

I went over a week not posting or commenting on social media, no one asked if I was okay. I have gone days without texting a friend I almost text everyday, nothing. This is where, to me, it shows no one really gives a damn about me. If I ask for help, no one would hear it. I’m basically screaming in silence.

It hurts me deep when I think about this. But what can I do? I can’t make myself important to anyone. Its their choice. I get everyone I know has their own family, I’m not part of anyones. It just hurts because if any of them asked me for help, I’d instantly respond and do my best to help them.

Thing is, I’ve struggled with these feelings since I was 10. Maybe its abandonment issues. Find out your adopted, no one wanted you, the man you call father dies. Yeah, I can see the logic in that. But how do I fight these dark moments? How do I make them stay away?

I’ve lived alone, supporting myself, for 9 years. I’ve been single 8 years. I got an associate’s degree on my own. I have a range of work experience. And I’ve put my foot back down in a career company, which is going on 3 years in October. I’ve fought off the, its two years must change, routine that I developed. So why can’t I break this?

Now that its out in the open, maybe I can think about it and figure it out.

Betrayal – Romance

Written 4.22.20

*Warning: Super long post, mentions of assault*

So, I don’t ever hide the fact that I lost my father when I was 10 years old. Even though I found out right before he died that I was adopted and had my biological father, it was never the same. Even after I met the man and tried to have a relationship, it was just weird and he didn’t really seem to care to try to build a relationship, so in my world my father is dead. People in the psychology world say that the same gender parent is the most influential and important parent, I disagree. And they say that the opposite gender parent is whom you base your partner on, if they are out of the picture in an early age, the child will start to act out towards the opposite gender; again I disagree.

The only thing my mother influenced was for me how NOT to be. I do NOT want to be anything like the woman, even at an early age. I don’t want to be bitter, manipulative, angry, and a bully my life. I never have been and I never will be, I am her polar opposite and for that I am thankful for. I knew I was hetero, I can appreciate same gender beauty but I’m not really attracted to it. I never tried to find another father figure to replace my father, the closest to that was trying to build a relationship with my biological father, other than that I knew no one could come close to filling my fathers shoes. I wanted a partner, because its almost ingrained into our brains that you have to have a partner, you’re not whole unless you have one. Lies.

So, once I hit puberty (which was not too long after my father passed away, literally 6 months) I started to notice the opposite gender. I started to flirt. I started to “date” in the only way a 10 year old could (basically saying you’re by boy/girlfriend stuff). I started to think about getting married. Having children. Playing house, basically. Which the funnier part of this, before my father died and I hit puberty, I had wanted to be a divorced mother of 2 who had an awesome business career (one where I wore suits) and drove a Jeep Cherokee; don’t ask me why but that is what my 9 year old brain wanted.

At the same time, I watched how my mother fell completely apart. She almost didn’t seem like she knew how to pay bills or balance the checkbook, couldn’t handle doing yard work, had no idea what to do with his tools (he was a Craftsman guy with a Sears card… there was a lot), couldn’t do little random honey do things, and she really didn’t know how to deal with me. Part of me was mortified that she couldn’t function. My father never put up gender based barriers. I had previously mentioned I was adopted by my great-grandparents, they are the pre-baby boomer generation. My father was a WWII vet. You’d think he would have those ideals, my mother did, but he didn’t. He encouraged me in ANYTHING I wanted to do. Playing with barbies to playing video games. From playing in the dirt to learning how to cook. From playing with his tools and doing yard work to playing with makeup. It didn’t matter to him, I could do anything I wanted to do and he let me know that. He encouraged my curiosities, if I wanted to play with the tv remote he just broke he let me. If I wanted to play dress up and play with makeup, he let me. There was no barriers.

My mother on the other hand… “That’s not how a young lady is supposed to act” was a very common phrase I heard growing up, it almost seemed like at least once a day I heard that. So yeah, if I went bike riding with a friend and there was mud puddles, I made sure I hit every mud puddle going as fast as I could so I was covered in mud. If I was playing with some greasy tools, I made sure to wipe it off on my pants (there was an incident where I was wearing a dress). She would say that she and my older sister got along like oil and water, I think that was mainly her and I. I did everything I could to rile her up, even though I knew her temper was bad and (until I hit my teens) I would get a whooping, I didn’t care. I challenged her, as I got older I figured out why, but for years I didn’t know why I had this urge to just challenge her at every turn.

Anyways- For several years I only looked for a partner because it was what I “had to do”. I was terrified to be alone, like how people are afraid of snakes or spiders, mine was being alone. I didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t want to be like my mother. So I would jump at relationships, and that put me in some bad situations that took years to break. I was great at being supportive and giving advice to others, but seemed to forget what I stood for when it came to myself. And that leads us to the reason why this is a section in my life that I don’t have any regrets and its made me who I am today.

My first adult relationship was when I was 16. Online chatrooms where still a thing, pretty popular at that point really. I liked to do online role playing, my typical go to was Sailor Moon themed but started branching out where it was just whatever you wanted. The Sailor Moon themed is where I met my first (adult) relationship. Started off just being a common partner to roleplay with then we started to get to know one another, talking more personal, then stopped role playing. Started talking on the phone when we could, I think long distance calling had just become free on land lines. He lived in another state, about 3 away to be exact. Then it came to him coming to my state to see me. That happened to be timed with when my mother was in the hospital, which caused a fun reaction.

Anyways, that leads to him about a year later moving out here. My mother actually let him live with us, that again caused interesting reactions. Lets just say they did not get along, at all. Which lead us to moving out, I was 17 turning 18 that fall. And that lead to things getting more interesting between us. I was working full time at the electronic retailer, I had got my GED, he had graduated before moving out here and I think he had finally found a job and was working full time at a pharmacy chain. He was addicted to playing World of Warcraft (WoW) which took up the computer, so I couldn’t do my role playing (which I started to get back into when we started fighting) or Sims. Unless he was at work, he was on the computer all the time. I stared at the back of his head so much, I started to notice he was getting a bald spot and I let him know.

Things started to become bitter between us. We were both born the same year and I think that had a lot to do with it. We were way too young to be doing this, dating living in separate places would have worked out a lot better. There where arguments at first, then he started to act degrading towards me. One night, while playing WoW, he demanded I make him a sandwich. Not a joke, full blown serious. Now, this made me really annoyed because I had just fixed dinner, and I had asked if he wanted anything to which he told me no. I told him to fix it himself and went back to my tv show. He literally got so mad he got up and came over to me with his had raised to hit me. I acted out of instinct, I was sitting in my chair with one leg under me so that leg quickly came out and kicked him straight in the center of his chest, knocking him out.

That was just the start. He tried to hit me again and it was the same reaction, I kicked him in the center of his chest knocking him out. Then one night it went too far and I thankfully had enough. I was sound asleep in the bedroom on my stomach, the next thing I felt was my hips being lifted and him trying to have relations with me. I had almost been assaulted 4 years prior to this, so again my instincts (literally) kicked in and I donkey kicked him in his groin. I jumped up and ran out, freaking out and crying. He tried apologizing and I made him think I forgave him but I refused to go into the bedroom with him. I waited until he was asleep and I called a coworker who I viewed as a brother and I told him everything.

The guys I worked with at the electronic retailer didn’t like him, at all. They knew things was going from bad to worse but would never pressure me. This was opening the flood gates and I didn’t care, I wanted out. My friend encouraged me to call my mom and tell her what happened, to get help. I did. Of course she was livid and just proved her right he was a PoS. I couldn’t argue with that anymore, it was true. My sister, who is still alive today, actually helped too along with my niece. They helped me get my own apartment in my hometown with the rest of them and move me, and of course my supervisors at work (whom I also told everything too) was more than willing to help me any way they could. Go me for my first relationship.

So remember my fear was to be alone? Guess what I was now, alone. Living alone and single, I was trying to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t think about it. That involved doing random stuff around my place, staying at work and doing random training (which my direct supervisor got onto me for), and trying to be involved with my friends and family. But it wasn’t enough, I’m the type of thinker that the moment I don’t have something to mentally keep me distracted, I go to exactly what I’m trying to avoid. I had a few panic attacks and I can honestly say I didn’t stay “single” for long. I had decided to give a former coworker at the retail a chance, but I told him I didn’t want a relationship. And I had reached out to a guy I had dated in my hometown, telling him the same thing. I even told them both I was seeing the other so it was clear and being honest.

Things with the former coworker went south, fast. I ended up doing exactly what I said I didn’t want to do, I jumped head first into a relationship with the guy from high school. We got along, we joked, there was passion and respect, my friends and family liked him. He moved in with me I think it was after two or three months, but I still paid all the bills. (Flag) I was fine with the arrangement, I was happy and content. I could focus on my career at the retailer and I wasn’t alone. And for once I wasn’t preplanning the future; I wasn’t thinking about marriage, buying a house, or starting a family with him. I was willing to let the cards fall as they will, I didn’t want to rush anything. But he apparently did.

All of a sudden, he calls my work one night I’m closing. It was around our yearly inventory where we have to get everything out and tagged so it can be counted properly. It was a crazy time of the year, plus it was the monthly department switch as well as the next day was new releases. I was stressed to the max and running around like mad. He says he’s coming in to show me something, his tone made me suspicious so I was waiting for him at the front counter and asked him what he did. He just smirks and puts a ring box on the counter in front of me opened, with a ring.

My female coworkers that night squealed in my ear, all I could do was stare at him. His smirk started to falter and all I could say is “why”. (Flag 2) He literally shrugged his shoulders and said it sounded like a good idea at the time. (Flag 3) One of my coworkers was also from our hometown and she knew him better than me, she told him he was going to do this right and made us go to the front of the store where he got on one knee and asked me to marry him. I said yes. (Flag 4) Another reason I was at odds wasn’t just because of work, his less than stellar reasoning, but because it was around the anniversary of my fathers death.

Everyone was happy for us though; from his family, friends, and coworkers to even mine. We had decided to wait until June to get married, and I had made it clear I wasn’t interested in a wedding really. I never have been actually. And I told him if we ever did want to, we could just plan something on an anniversary instead, no stress and no worry. We decided to get married at the courthouse. My mother was there, my niece took the pictures, and I invited my biological mother there; they both signed as the witnesses on the license. Then a month later, I got a surprise call that my sister wanted to throw us a party at her house. That caused a family blow up and my biological mother was kicked out of my life (again).

At this point I had started a new job, my first job in call center work. I was working overnights and weekends. He had a blue collar job where it was a set Monday-Friday, 8-5 type job; it started to cause problems. He would go out and hang with his still single friends, who respected me don’t get me wrong, but the females that tagged along certainly didn’t. And here’s a kicker for you that still to this day I have not (and will not) tell him, I had got pregnant a few months after we got married. The way he acted to the thought of me being pregnant (Flag 5), it caused a huge fight where I miscarried the baby. I started to miss work just so I could fight my paranoia. His birthday was the month before mine, I always made sure I was off and did something for him. But that year, my first birthday being a Mrs, he blew me off for his friends and got drunk. I ended up hanging out with a new coworker who I today still call my brother, and a few of his team mates. The Mr was pissed to say the least when he found out where I was and what I was doing, we were at a Village Inn (the guys all trying to cheer me up and keep me laughing). This was the start to a very messy end.

The next month I started to find another job. I wanted one where I was doing data entry type work and wanting set hours, along with weekends off. My niece worked for a local health insurance company for a while and suggested I try them, I got the job. I was going to be Monday – Friday 8-5, I could work on my marriage. Ah, how naive I was at this point in life, but to be fair I was only 20.

Things did not get better at all. He was drinking a lot on his payday weekends, and he was a happy drunk at least but still. He would get mad that I asked him to pay bills, yes we was married but he expected me to only use my paychecks. (Flag 6) He wanted to hang out with his friends instead of us doing anything. (7) So I started hanging out with my brother and his older brother, who kept me laughing so much I still think to this day he doesn’t have a clue who I am just calls me “giggles”. There was one fight we got into that was so bad, I had called my brother because I was beside myself and didn’t know what to do. He had left the house at that time, but he came back when I was on the phone. I freaked out and hid the phone behind my back, my brother still on the line, and he heard every word that was said to me. How I was insulted and threatened, and my tears. At the time he didn’t have a drivers license but he was willing to throw caution to the wind and drive over to my place right then. This is also where things started to turn physical.

But because of my mothers years of mental abuse and my own twisted thoughts that anything bad that happened to me was my fault and I deserved, which he used to his advantage, I stayed. (8) Yes, just two years prior I had left my first (adult) relationship because of the abuse and the assault, but here I am getting the same kind of treatment and thinking I deserve it. Did I really think that because a piece of paper said that we tied our lives together by law that it was okay? Did I really think this is what love was? Did I really deserve it? At the time, the answer was yes.

We made it to our one year anniversary, and it wasn’t good. We had moved to a nicer and bigger apartment. That just brought more issues. He didn’t want to have a better life, he was fine with living in bad places because they were cheap. (9) He kept buying cheap vehicles that kept breaking down and he put more money in them than what he paid. Well, I had my first car wreck. I almost made it to 21. None of us were hurt, but my first car was totaled. Drivable, just a lot of cosmetic damage, thankfully. So he started to drive that car and I got a “new” one. Then a few months later, my 21^st birthday was here. And I was separated from my husband.

It was 5 days before my birthday, we got into another fight. I couldn’t even tell you what they were about, not even this one. We would bicker and fight so much, my attitude started to shift where I would make comments to him like “they’re under the sink, the tampons” or “do I need to get you some pamprin?”; yeah huge Flag 10. But this is the big one that signed the start of the end, he suddenly spun around and looked at me, “I can’t take your stuff anymore, I’m leaving”. And this wasn’t a go hang out with the bros kind of leaving, he started packing. Not just clothes, everything that was his. I lost it. I started to beg, to plead, to say everything was my fault and I’ll get better. (11) At one point I tried to get him mad at me, I pushed him hard, he almost hit the wall face first; he caught himself, spun around and glared at me, and the only thing I could think was “that’s it, hit me so I can blame you and not me”. (12) But he didn’t. He turned around and kept packing. He called his mother to come and help him move out.

Our new place was first floor, right in front of the pool. I loved it, I could sit out there and look out at the water and find peace. And that’s where I currently was as him and his mother was going back and forth to their cars. She tried to tell me she’ll talk to him and it’ll work out, I didn’t even care. I was done crying. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t depressed. I was blissfully numb, ah my old childhood friend. Before my soon to be ex mother-in-law got there, he had actually joined me outside. He sat there smoking and I was just staring at the water, I startled him by saying we moved too fast. We got married too fast. We had come up with a compromise to legally stay married but pretend we were dating, take things slow. He agreed and he left, I had even helped him finish packing but I didn’t take it to the cars. As soon as the door was shut, I collapsed in the middle of my living room and just cried.

It was December when he came over, I would try to seduce him and flirt like I did in the past, and he never turned me down. I had found out by this point he had a girl living with him, everyone was ticked at him for doing that. I called him out on it, he admitted to it, but he still came to my bed. This night though, I was staring at my Christmas tree while he was playing his favorite game, which was put me down and tell me how everything that’s happened is my fault. Now, I believe it was just two days prior to this, I was hanging out with my brother (which became our custom, on the weekends because I couldn’t stand to be alone, he’d come over and hang out with me) at a bookstore and I told him I wanted to get a divorce. None of my friends or family prompted or pushed me, they worried for me and supported me. But to say everyone was ecstatic, except for my mother, would be an understatement. They were proud of me and fully supported it, especially when I stared to come to terms that I was in an abusive marriage and everything that happened.

So, I counted to 10 and then interrupted his game with, “I want a divorce”. That shut him up. He just sat there dumbfounded I had said it, I don’t even know if he heard me the first time. I looked at him, in the eye, and said “We’re both better off without each other. You’re happier, I’m happier. Lets just get divorced. We’ll go 50/50 like we did the marriage license, fair?” I think I broke him. He just stared at me then slowly said alright, if I was sure. Why wouldn’t I be? You’re living with another female while I’m stuck with all the bills, you don’t give a single care in the world what I’m going through, and I want better. (Finally all the flags got my attention.)

We had made an agreement that he would pay me x money each month from December until July the next year. I would sign the title of the car he was driving (remember, my first car) over to him then and give him the master key. Well, mother got sick and was in the hospital, at the time she lived 2 miles from his job. It was payday. I didn’t have a bank account at the time so my job mailed my check and it got lost in the mail. He tells me that he can’t pay me, he has to pay his electric bill and I had to deal with it. I went into panic mode. My nephew was in town visiting and he paid the bills I needed to at the time for me. But that was the last straw. I had lost it, I didn’t like that he could make me feel like he took my control from me. I searched online and found what I thought was divorce papers; I started to edit it and work on it. I started to form a plan.

I had put on there our agreement about the payments until July and that I would sign over the car to him. But at the insistence of my dear friend at the time, I put in there if he failed to make another payment, I would sell the car. I told him I had the divorce papers, asked if he could come by to sign them and to turn in his keys and sign the roommate release form for the apartment. He didn’t even bother reading the thing, just signed it, gave his keys, and signed the complex release. After he left, I asked the two girls working if they would sign as witnesses, they did. And then I paid to have the locks changed.

I go home and start making phone calls, removing his name off of bills. I opened my own bank account, we had shared one previously is why I didn’t currently have one. I was still on his car insurance but I went to the same agent and secretly had them draft up my own policy. I had contacted a divorce attorney and asked if I could legally take the car from him, they told me it was pre-marital property, he had no claim. His job was in another town, so I called their non-emergency and asked if an officer could meet me at a nearby gas station, and come with us to keep the peace as I took back my car. I had contacted the owner who my current vehicle was with and asked if I could sell my car to him as payment, he agreed. I had the car title ready to sign over and had his named removed off of the title on the car I was driving. And remember, I’m only 21.

D-Day comes; I took half a day off from work. The officer tells me he’ll inform him I took the car so he doesn’t report it stolen. My poor baby was trashed, it angered me further. By this point, I had found out that the girl he lives with was pregnant; he tried to tell me it wasn’t his child which was a lie. At first I felt guilty because if they relied on this car, the baby was going to suffer the most in my opinion. But when I looked in the trunk and found he filed his taxes using her as his spouse because I refused to give him information, I felt nothing. I got the contract notarized. We went over to the car dealership, got everything signed over. I felt bad giving him a car that was trashed and I told him I’d be happy to come by and clean it, he was doing me such a huge favor, but he dismissed me. He warned me my ex was looking for me, and had told him that if I showed up to keep me distracted because he was looking for my new car so he could bash the windows out.

Mother asked me what I was going to do next, I told her go downtown and file a police report; he made a threat against me. As we were leaving, I suddenly hard tires break hard, I look up and here he comes running at me. I had never seen his eyes turn an icy blue, but I knew right then and there if our mothers weren’t with us he would have beat me. Something in me snapped. I kept calm, despite him and his mother screaming and yelling at me. They demanded to take the other car since I sold this one, I told them his name was no longer on the title. His mother demanded me tell her how I got his name off without his signature, I just simply told her “its called and/or”. They lost it, they stormed into the car dealership to work out a deal to get the car back. I calmly got into my mothers car and started to drive to the police station. I had no idea where I was going or how to file a report, but I was going to do it.

It took me writing out the details of what just happened for me to crack. I went into hysterics. I couldn’t stop crying to the point I couldn’t catch my breath. I walked in calm and collected, came out a crying hysterical mess. My mother was actually worried, all I could manage to get out was that I needed to go by my work and tell them what happened. I composed myself but as soon as I saw my manager, I lost it. I panicked a room full of people, some who knew me and a lot who didn’t, but they all knew one thing: I didn’t act like that. My phone and social media started blowing up with people asking if I’m okay. I had to go because I had a video conference with a judge to get an emergency protective order. And again, I’m only 21.

After I finished that last paragraph something hit me. April 13^th 2009 was when this all happened. After that moment I had a new mask, a new persona; that has come in handy a lot since this day. Its where my stay cool under pressure comes from. This day something just snapped, I knew I couldn’t fall apart yet. I had to think, plan, act. Once everything was done, then I can fall apart. And its what I’ve been doing since. Another new thing thanks to him.

After I got my protective order, I was a wreck. I was constantly shaking, terrified. I had bought a prepaid phone just so I had a cell phone in case I ran into him. I was never more happier that I had changed the locks than that day. I would park on a completely different side of the parking lot, where the walk to my home was longer, and as soon as I got out of my car I’d have 911 on the screen and my thumb pressing on the send so if I jumped I’d dial it. I carried my copy of the PO on my person at all times, either in a purse or in a pocket. I jumped at any sudden noise or shadows. Even if my pup, whom I had since I was 10, barked. Work was the worst, I sat near a printer/copier and if someone was at the machine and I didn’t see them, I jumped. I had a phone on my desk so if someone came up to use it, I freaked out. I knew something needed to be done, so I went to my doctor. This same man is the one who told my biological mother she was pregnant with me, he just stared at me in shock when I told him everything that had happened and what I had done up until that day. He told me I did things he never would’ve thought of and I should hold my head high for that. I got put on anxiety medication that day and was told not to stop until this mess was over.

From this ex I learned that I didn’t deserve what happened to me. I didn’t deserve to be abused, disrespected, or disregarded. It wasn’t my entire fault, I had tried to open up to him and told him some of my dark secrets which he turned around and used against me. I loved him to the best of my ability at that time. We weren’t right for one another. We had nothing in common we could really talk about. I was too insecure and shy to try anything, even though I had wanted to, I was too afraid of rejection. I deserved respect, honor, and trust. I deserved love. I deserved devotion. I deserved loyalty. I deserved to be treated as an equal. I deserved to be happy. And another important thing I learned from this, life is about balance. That’s the key. You can’t have the good without the bad; you can’t have the bad without the good. You can’t know happiness without sadness; you can’t know sadness without happiness. You can’t have life without death; you can’t have death without life. Yin and Yang. It was also from that moment of enlightenment that I fully embraced myself for being a natural witch without any fear of what others think, I started to feel like myself.

Now, you’d think I’d be done right? No way that I can top the ex-husband. Life is also about learning lessons, and either I have been a moron in past lives or I really needed to learn this lesson in relationships. There’s a third, and thankfully final, one. But as you saw with my first relationship and the ex-husband, the only common factor they shared was abuse in some form. Other than that it was different. Their personalities where different from one another. Their interests. Their looks. Their family backgrounds. None of them had anything in common besides me. So here we go to the final one, and yeah even his dorky self gets credit in this. So time frame everything, first relationship was 2004-2006. Ex-husband (counting the dating part to divorce finalized) was from 2006-2010. And our last one, he was from 2011-2012.

(Funny side note that just hit me; so in witchy beliefs it’s the power of 3. Mother, maiden, crone. Past, present, future. What you do comes back in 3 fold. Well look at this… Life altering, eye opening, and self-changing relationships came in 3 as well.)

So after the ex-husband, I found out that dating is difficult once you’re outside of high school. In high school you’re surrounded with people, you most likely have an idea of who they are/how they act or you know someone good enough they can tell you. You have an insider view, if you will. You can ask the silly questions just to get over your nerves. But outside of school? Good luck. You have to figure out where the type of person you’re interested in hangs out at. So you’re probably thinking, that’s the point of online dating. Yeah, sure. If you want to be hounded by either catfishers, scammers, pigs, cheaters, or serious issues. But I get ahead of myself on that one.

I gave online dating a go. While I was waiting for the divorce to finalize, I knew I didn’t want anything serious, I just wanted to play. This was the time in my life I had done what I should have been doing instead of playing house wife, no strings attached relations. I found a decent adult site used for that purpose and had really good luck on it, but that lead me to learning a new thing about myself: thanks to ex-hubby, I was attracted to intelligence not looks. I don’t care if you’re one of Time Magazine’s Most Attractive Man Alive, if you’re dumber than a sack of rocks I’m not interested, I’ll just window shop. So that made flings a little tricky, but there was a few guys who got it and apparently it wasn’t time wasted.

Once the divorce was done, after the 30 day window, I could breathe. I was legally free! I had no strings attached and I would never see him again! So now what, did I want to date? Flings where starting to get frustrating and I felt like I wanted something deeper. Was I ready for it? Well, I’ll never know if I don’t try. So I tried looking around on dating sites. That’s where I found the above mentioned mainly. The few guys that started off decent either showed their true colors falling in one of the categories or just went poof. I was on another adult site actually, I was really starting to think maybe I should stick with that, when I found #3. He seemed cute, he was charming, he was a little on the dorky side but that was fine. I was hesitant at first, but my friends kept pushing the more I talked about him. So I gave him a shot.

I won’t lie, I was super standoff ish. I was ready for a fight. I was ready to defend whatever I said. I was ready to defend what I wanted and what I would not do. I was ready to tell him to hit the bricks at any time. But he kept being consistent. He wormed his way in. And just as I started to open up (sigh) I ignored the signs. And several good ones slapped me right in the face. The first being, he was going to get married and she called it off, while we were (what I thought) dating. He actually cried to ME about it. A coworker told me to run. I didn’t. (RED flag 1) We continued our relationship but I was obviously a secret to his family. Then I start wondering if I’m just rebound now since he was apparently engaged, he kept telling me no and I believed it. Stupid insecurities.

For the most part we got along. We had things in common, we went out and did things. He could make me laugh, and he was liked by people important to me. I would say it was about 6 months into our “relationship” that we had an argument, one was about me being a witch. He actually had a look of disgust on his face and I told him he could walk out that door and never come  back, I wasn’t ashamed of who I was and I wasn’t going to change. That stopped that whole kind of conversation quick.

Another argument not too long after this was about me finding out he was still active on adult and dating sites (RED Flag 2). I confronted him and he actually yelled at me and bowed up like he was going to hit me, I snapped again. I got right in his face and told him that if he swings, he better make sure I don’t get back up because then it’ll be fair game. He quickly deflated and backed down. My alpha was starting to come out, he definitely was not alpha material. We actually had a public argument, not anything crazy as the above, but I had found nudes on his phone and he promised he’d delete them and never do it again. (RED Flag 3)

By this point, I was starting to have some health issues and was missing work. The job I was currently at didn’t have paid time off or sick leave, if you missed you missed money period. I had moved into my own apartment, alone. He didn’t move in with me, he stayed over some nights but that was it. So I was in financial trouble, queue dork boy. He made a lot of money and would help me out, buy groceries. At first I didn’t like it, but he seemed sincere and I would do what I could to make it up to him. That is the new abuse. He wasn’t strong or witty enough, compared to the things I had dealt with, to emotionally abuse me. I was stronger than him so he couldn’t physically abuse me. He wasn’t experienced enough to defile me. But he could financially abuse me, and when he realized this, he went for it.

We’re past our 1 year mark, almost reaching the 2 year when things really went downhill. He had bought a house and got a new car. I had keys to both. He lived a good deal away from where I did, the only common place we had is we both worked downtown. I was getting ready to start a new job, I had quit the one downtown because I needed better pay, promise of raises, and paid time off; plus I was sure half my health issues was stress from that job. I found a job that was almost literally right next door, I would be working with my brother again, kinda he was in a different department but still same company at least (and ironically in the same building where we first started), and I would be working nights again. At first I was wondering how this would go with my relationship, but at this point I knew I needed to be able to stand on my own period.

The 4^th Red Flag that hit was on a Sunday afternoon, I got two random Facebook messages. Two girls I had no idea who they were, it didn’t show that we had anyone in common. I read the messages. They knew dork boy. Dork boy had been actively pursuing them, one girl was trying to make it clear he was hers and I was the one who needed to back off; the other was more sincere saying when she found out about me, she shut him down. I did a search again and found he was back on dating sites and this time, he was using pictures I had personally took of him earlier that year from a trip. I was livid, I confronted him. He openly admitted it was all true. But for whatever reason, I didn’t end it. Maybe it was because I wasn’t 100% back on my feet (financially) get, I can’t remember at this time, but I started to notice things were going sideways. My brother wasn’t his fan and let me know, that’s when I really started thinking about it.

This was around late October when I was feeling uneasy and still thinking. I was hired as a temp at first to my new job, my official hire on date wasn’t until mid-November, right before my birthday. This is the part that I find hilarious, this was 2012, election year; on election day we had our last and final fight. He had stayed the night, I was working nights at this point, and he was getting ready to go to work. I thought our trust was getting better, he left his phone unlocked so he could prove to me he wasn’t cheating anymore. He was in the shower and I was in a good mood, I decided to check his phone for the fun of it, I wasn’t thinking he was hiding anything. But did I get a good shock.

He not only was cheating, he was 3 timing. He apparently moved a girl into his new house, which explained why he got anxious when I said I wanted to come over or to spend the weekend at his place. And he was also apparently talking to another girl on the side of us. I was floored. I went over to my keys and got his house/car keys. I went around the house and gathered any stupid gifts or trinkets he gave me and put them in his bag. When he got out of the shower, I confronted him. And again, he openly admitted to it all without any guilt or remorse. I held his keys out and demanded him give me back mine, he did. I told him its over. Get out. And he did, taking the trash (literally) with him.

Now to back pedal just a tad on these… During the divorce, before it was finalized, my mother talked me into getting a place with her. So I moved out of that apartment to a house with her in 2009, before I went and took the car and everything went boom. I went back to school to get my associates degree and in doing so I apparently got more money back from the IRS and I jumped at the chance to find my own place away from her. So in July 2011 I moved to my own apartment, completely and totally alone. I wanted to be alone, I never asked dork boy to move in with me. On one of the above mentioned fights, he said he should just move in and I was actually horrified at the thought. I wasn’t scared to be alone anymore, I preferred it. It was alright him staying a night with me but more than that and I went crazy.

So when we broke up in November 2012, yeah I was hurt. But I was mainly mad at myself because I had those red flags slapping me in the face and I just took it. I let myself get put in a place where he could manipulate me with money, so I took the cheating so I could stay financially stable. I was sick with myself for that. And I vowed from that point on, I would never cry over any guy again and I would never rely on a guy financially for anything. I then realized how I jumped from relationship to relationship in some way since all of this in the very beginning and it was time to stop. It was time to focus on me.

So from this aspect of my life, I learned how to stand on my own feet. How to financially and emotionally support myself. How to rely on myself. And I regret none of it. I feel silly for ignoring things, I thought after high school and ex-hubby I’d learn how to read the signs, but what I was looking for was the parts one thinks when you hear ‘abuse’. I learned there are many aspects of abuse a person can inflict on another. I have figured out what I want in life and in a partner, and I will not change my opinion to let someone fit in. I have tried dating again, I’m now to the point where most guys annoy me within 5 minutes. Those that don’t are likely viewed as a friend, those are rare. I still live alone, no roommate unless you count my pup. I take care of myself and I like it just fine. I take myself on dates; I go to the movies, museums, parks, shopping, dinner, whatever I want I do. I don’t have to wait for anyone or make sure its okay. I’m a free woman and I like it. A new phrase that I enjoy, when it comes to relationships, is: I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.

Betrayal – Mother

Written 4.21.20

*Warning: Long post*

Man its been a long time since I’ve done this… There has been so much that has gone on, not only in my personal world but in the world in general. I think in part, because of my own world, then add in the actual pandemic going on in the outside world, I kept myself numb so I wouldn’t think too deep or too much. And like always, my mind decided enough is enough and its now time for me to look at things.

So, December 19^th 2018 my mother died. I always dreaded this day since January 30^th 1998, I was 10 at the time and afraid I would be all alone. A lot has happened in that time: puberty, physical assaults, heart break, moving to different places, different jobs, loss, marriage, martial arts, divorce, self-discovery, and what I thought at the time of self-healing.

In April and May of 2017, I ironically ended up pre-planning her funeral. Not that I knew it was coming, but because there was no choice. It was actually on this day in 2017 that she was taken back to the hospital and they found that she had fractured her pelvis. Just a few weeks before this, not even a full 30 days, she had just got out of the hospital and SNF because she had fallen; here we go again. She went back to the same SNF, which is actually just down the street from me, and after a few weeks they had pulled us into a meeting to inform us that she couldn’t go back home. She had basically given up and could not be left alone, not even with assisted living. We had to put her in a nursing home.

We’re not a rich family, never was. So none of us had the money to do it. So we had to apply for Medicaid, and the thing with them is they feel if you need their help, you shouldn’t have any money. Including life insurance. They will take your life insurance policy away from you because they want the money back, because you know how dare you actually live and not have money to pay insane amounts of money for to have medical services to continue to live. So we had to tell her, because we needed to cash out her life insurance policy so that money was there for when the day came. And even though I questioned a lot of her logic, she was still legally of sound mind, we had to have her sign the paperwork.

That was a fun day… If there was ever a day I really needed to have my fedora, or my business hat as it became referred to, it was that day for sure. I had braced myself for her anger, her guilt trips, and her to be vicious on what she says. I warned my niece, I told her don’t buy into it. I told her she will use any dirt she has on you to throw at you to hurt you back. I warned her not to engage with her. I made it clear, I would be doing the talking for once and I wouldn’t let her take her venom out on anyone else, I could handle it. I have been taking it since I was 10, now I’m about to be 30, nothing new.

The only thing she disappointed me on was the anger. She never got angry, not even a little. Oh she guilt tripped, big time. I stopped counting after 45. One I should have saw coming, but I didn’t think she’d go there after 20 years, was using my dad against me. And she did it in her normal fashion, when it was just her and I. My niece had stepped out of the room for just a moment, I don’t even remember what I was thinking if at all, then suddenly “How do you think Dad would feel if he knew what you were doing to me?”

I just knew the world froze. All I could do was look at her, partly in disbelief and the other not really surprised she went there. She wanted me to hurt, she wanted to manipulate me, and she wanted to win. She thought it worked because I started to cry, it was out of frustration and anger. She wanted to play dirty? Lady, you think you know me but you never took the time and I can promise you, I never told you half of the stuff I’ve had to deal with. My niece came back in the room as I started to cry; I told her what was said. My niece is such a sweet and caring person, its why I wanted to protect her, but she was pissed. She was going to go at my mom and I stopped her, I told her she wanted to go there, she’s going to get it.

I got right in my moms face, she also was hard of hearing so its not just an attitude thing, and made her look me in the eye. “Oh? And what do you think he would say about how you are treating us? We’re busting our asses to make sure you are safe and taken care of, and here you are being such a selfish ass to us! What would he say to YOU?!” I was shaking with anger and stepped back. I didn’t expect a response, I sure the hell would have never thought I’d hear “You’re right. He’d tell me I’m being an ass and to stop.”

I nearly fell to the floor and whipped my head around to look at my niece who had equally large eyes as my own. My mother was abusive. To my older sisters, it was more physical than mental; when I came along, she couldn’t be as physical anymore so I got more mental side. She was never at fault. Even if you caught her red handed, she would find a way to turn the situation around where you are the bad guy and she’s the victim. So you could imagine that I damn near passed out from finally getting some type of gratification from her admitting she was wrong, and this isn’t the bratty teen side wanting to say I was right and you were wrong, either.

That’s how it started. My niece got the paperwork, took it to her, and got it turned in. While we were also running around trying to find a place to put her that was close to us, my niece was trying several times to reach the specific funeral home my mother wanted. They had done my fathers funeral, my sisters funeral, and I frankly hated the place because of the memories. My niece was leaving messages but no one was getting back to her. By this point we found a nursing home, got the paperwork done, and now we had to go through her apartment to get what she could take and downsize the rest. This is where my life gets more… Interesting.

My mother and father are my biological great-grandparents, maternal. I was adopted, and yeah it kind of makes for an interesting family tree. So since we were downsizing, I had made it clear I had nothing against anyone in the family taking anything, except for the things I wanted which was my fathers things. Other than that, I didn’t mind, and I told my niece to do it on her time and don’t let the others bully her. This included offering an olive branch to my biological mother. My niece at the time was the one who spoke to her, but I had said I would come and get her and bring her out to the apartment so she can get what she wanted. She took the offer to my surprise. She lived near the funeral home so I told my niece when I go out there, I’ll stop by since they won’t return her calls.

She knew my feelings about the place and tried to say she could go by there another time and I didn’t have to. I told her its not a big deal, just going in, ask how this works and leave. Yeah, I wished it was that easy. When I told them the situation, I was taken to a back room to plan the funeral. Lucky for my nerves there weren’t any viewings going on at the time. I had text my niece and she was a wreck, she had no idea that would happen. I told her my nerves are shot now, but later on I’ll know I’ll be grateful. And that statement became completely true. Either way, after I think a few hours, I was leaving with the pre-planned, it wasn’t finalized until we brought them the check, which we did a few days later when my niece got it in the mail.

On Memorial Day 2017, we moved my mother into the nursing home. I had my fathers furniture and his things from his funeral, I had a sense of peace I can’t remember ever having. I had got part of it when I moved my mom to the same apartment complex I lived in, when I thought it was because I had grew up with it as a child, she had told me it was his be brought into their marriage, it made more sense why I wanted it so bad. I apparently have his same taste, they had a lot of old fashioned clocks. And she couldn’t keep them all in her new apartment so I picked out a mantel and wall clock I wanted, those where his too apparently. And no, she wasn’t just saying it, she’s not that type of person. Trust me.

I had been having issues in 2017 with my own health. My migraines where 100x worse than what they have ever been, my doctor worried about my consistent high blood pressure. I knew it was all stress revolving my mother and my job at the time. The company I now worked for, even my doctor wanted me to get a different job. And luckily, I didn’t give up and that did happen. I was willing to make less than $10 an hour so I could leave that company, which is how bad I hated it there. But things weren’t as great at that next job as I was hoping. I didn’t mind working the 12 hour shifts overnight, I actually enjoyed it. But the money wasn’t good and I was getting more in trouble financially. I took a shot in the dark and looked at job openings at a former employer I worked for, I applied to three positions and I got a call back.

October 2017, I started back with the company I had worked for 7 years prior. I was happy, it was a stable job and I would be back to working “normal people” hours (meaning Monday-Friday during the day). I was making a lot more even that the job I hated that made me sick. I had a lot better benefits than even when I previously worked for this company. Things were looking up! Until November 13, 2017… I was still in training, at the end of the day I look at my phone walking to my car and my niece had text me, call when you get off work. I froze. We’re a text and not call type of communicators so I knew, this wasn’t good. My mother seemed to thrive in the nursing home, she was happy and socializing. But she had got sick and they wanted her to go to the hospital as a precaution with the symptoms they were seeing. I didn’t think anything about it, I’m not a doctor and I can’t help.

I get to my car and call my niece, they believe mother has cancer. (At this point, my nephew her little brother, had just passed away 2 years prior to brain cancer…) Not just one, nope. We have to be an overachiever, it was two. And with how frail my mother already was, she wasn’t strong enough for them to do the exploratory or treatment. My niece asked what should we do, do we tell her or just leave it be? My sister and my aunt both left the decision up to me, I said leave it be. If we tell her, we might as well put her on chemo because she’ll give up. I don’t regret that decision at all.

December 16, 2017 I’m at home making dinner and I get a phone call from an unknown number. I have got so man phone scams over these years, if I don’t know the number I never answer. If its important, they’ll leave a message. This caller did. I listen to it, expecting a scam, only it’s a home hospice company wanting to talk to me about my mother. I felt my heart stop. My nephew had home hospice. I work in health insurance, so I’m semi familiar with hospice, but I don’t have personal knowledge of them. But I knew this was the beginning of the end, the 10 year old me started to cry. I call the number back and spoke with the lady. The nursing home has advised the signs and symptoms my mother is showing, she’s getting closer to the end. They had gone out and done an evaluation and agree. She wanted to meet with me so I could sign the paperwork. I went into panic attack and said I can’t tonight, I need my niece with me and asked if we could do it the next day.

December 17, 2017 I signed my mother up for hospice services. I was now on edge 24/7 wondering if today I will get the phone call. Back in May when we were downsizing the apartment, my sister was there with us and we made the decision to pick out the clothes for “the day”. I had made it clear I wanted to refer to it as “the day” because its just easier and not as panic inducing. My niece appreciated it. We had the funeral pre-planned, pre-paid for, everything picked out including her clothing. It’s a numb kind of feeling, but I can honestly say when the day happens, it’s a relief that you don’t have to think on trivial things like that.

I let management know at my work that it could happen any day, we just don’t know when. I had my phone out in view all the time for that just in case. There was a few scares, like when the hospice agency didn’t pay attention to unless its an emergency, DO NOT call the daughter. I can tell you those two times, my heart works perfectly fine. I made the decision as well, we do not tell her she’s on hospice. We warned other family, if you go see her, you do NOT mention she’s on hospice. We never told another soul outside my niece, sister, aunt and myself that she had cancer. Again, I regret nothing.

I believe it was some time in February 2018 that we had a scare. Mother was unresponsive as in, if you spoke to her she wouldn’t act like she could hear or see you, just stare off into space. My niece was shaken up from it and I had gone over there to see her. I was staring to keep my distance because the smells in the place was an instant migraine trigger and I think I was also emotionally protecting myself. I lived closer to the nursing home than my niece so she wasn’t there yet. I saw her for the first time in several months and I lost it, she was fading away. She didn’t look at all like herself and I managed to hold it together until I walked out of her room, I fell against the wall and lost it just as my niece and her husband got there. I learned on that day, if I go see her, I have to take my antidepressants I had on hand because I couldn’t handle seeing her that way. I never saw her again before she died, and again I don’t regret it.

After that event, mother seemed to get back to her new normal and looked fine. She was still thriving and enjoying being around people in the nursing home. I focused on my job, I had nothing that was holding me back this time and I dedicated myself to becoming better and getting myself back in a good situation in life than I’ve ever been. Things were going good on my end, then Monday December 17 2018. I’m the type of person when I get anxious I get physically sick. When I get a feeling something isn’t right, I get anxious and sick. I got to work like normal, nothing different about my drive in and the anxiety hit me hard. I was racking my brain wondering if something was going on today I forgot, looking at my emails and calendar, nothing. Then I got sick. I had text my niece saying I don’t know whats going on but I’m super anxious and getting sick, I can’t calm down.

She texted me back, I didn’t want to tell you yet until I go up there… The nursing home called, Nanny isn’t looking good and they think it might be time. Mom and I are going to go up there around noon. I started bawling, that had to be it. I explained to management what was going on, it was about 10 when my supervisor kicked me out. I will never forget that and will be forever grateful, because if she hadn’t, I would’ve been too late. I knew I’d get to the nursing home in 10 minutes with how I was feeling, so I killed time walking around Walgreens near work. Tried to remind myself to take my time driving to the nursing home. My sister got there not too long after me and we were waiting on my niece. We got there before noon, we started back to her room and the door was closed. A gentleman with hospice was there and told us they were bathing her and asked if we could stay out in the hall, he was talking to my niece and sister, I was in a daze.

My family has to be natural witches to a point. I proudly admit I am one. My special thing is, I can sense death. Active death, not like a medium and see those who have passed. Nope, I see who is still alive but about to go. I can feel death when its near, which is why I hate going to hospitals with a passion. I think I was dazed because I felt death so near, but I didn’t realize just how near it was. I started noticing the hospice staff and nursing home staff in large numbers going in and out of the room, I was right next to the door so I didn’t see them when they motioned us to go in. I was last to get in the room, as soon as I did my niece spun around and told me she’s gone.

Shock. “What?” Tears. Just like that. Blink and you miss it. They told us while they were bathing her, they told her the three of us was outside. She smiled and took her last breath. That was it. Peaceful. No pain. No drama. Not watching her suffer. Not watching her struggle to breathe. That’s what I had to watch when my other sister was in ICU before she died, she passed as soon as I took both my mothers home so I could try to sleep after 24 hours. I was numb, staring at her body. She looked like she was in her normal, deep, snoring loud, sleep. I kept staring at her chest, waiting to see it move. My mind couldn’t grasp she’s gone, I kept watching her intently waiting to see her eyes move, hear her snore, or see her chest move with breath. From the moment I sat down until the funeral home took her away, I kept watching her. My niece and sister with iron grips on my hands, I think the most shocking of it all was it wasn’t like any of the other deaths I’ve seen. It was truly peaceful and quick.

We made the phone calls before the funeral home took her. We waited until they left. When I walked in my door, my pup greeted me unlike any other way she’s ever done. She slowly and cautiously walked to me, slowly stood up and put her paws on me. She knew. I lost it. I looked at the clock, it had only been 3 hours, but it felt like it had been more than 12. I texted friends and let them know, I was totally numb. I wasn’t hysterical. I wasn’t grieving. I wasn’t mad. I was just numb. I had told people through the years, I have absolutely no idea how I’ll react. And I still didn’t. The week flew by in a blur. The next day we met up at the funeral home to make it “official”, pick the date, and give the clothes. My mother was a waitress mainly all her life, she worked at a pretty famous restaurant not too far away from the funeral home and we all three decided to go and let them know. It was a joke. He didn’t care at all, the woman who helped him build his business and he could barely be bothered to say I’m sorry. I honestly couldn’t even tell you what I did the rest of that day, I think I had gone and got my hair cut. The following day, my sister and I (who both her and my niece kept telling me I didn’t have to) met up at the funeral home to “approve her look” and meet with the reverend that would be performing the services. That was more awkward than any other part of this, our family isn’t religious but if mother was ever asked she said Baptist. We didn’t have any favorite bible verses (I had respectfully hid my pentagram under my shirt), we didn’t have any favorite memories (sad it was true), we didn’t care what he said (which made him feel super uncomfortable).

The next day, December 19, 2018 was the funeral. Yeah, two days later. None of us disagreed on it, we didn’t want to put her on display and wanted to move on. Maybe because we were jaded from the abuse, maybe because we all have a different view of death and how to pay respect, or (at least on my part I can admit) wanting this to be done so I can move on. I had been doing my grieving starting in 2017, maybe that’s why I wasn’t such a mess. My supervisor was there and she told everyone and kept reminding me how strong I was. I have a weird mindset, but its probably how I cope with trauma, is I go into leader mode. I make sure everything is done that needs to be done, everything is taken care of, every detail is finished… Then I fall apart like there is no tomorrow. And for me, I knew until the marker was placed on the grave, I wasn’t done. Which started a whole new rabbit hole that I fell down.

2019 started off as a train wreck. Mother’s birthday is January 30^th, my father died on her birthday. Yeah. Not even joking. So I already had a strong dislike for the month, so I was on edge because I didn’t know if I was going to be an emotional train wreck this year or not. I decided to take the 29-31 off to be safe, didn’t care it was right in the middle of the week, I needed a safety net to make sure I didn’t lose my mind at work like I had already been doing. And I decided now was the time. I needed a therapist to help me not only with this or with the loss of my dad, but it was time to start healing the years of Lifetime Movie worthy traumas; and I knew it was time because my mother couldn’t hinder any progress I make. Yes, she did that in the past. So I found a therapist, ironically it was one my niece’s middle daughter uses, and also found a great book about healing from trauma with abusive mothers thanks to Google.

I had gone out there to put my flowers on dads grave on the anniversary of his death, but I didn’t pay any respect to my mother. Respect is earned, not freely given and there is a lot of bad blood there. I had noticed the cemetery’s temp marker they put, had her name misspelled and that irritated me. My father’s birthday is April 29^th, yeah seeing now why I’m in such a thoughtful mood right now, and I decided now was the time to go out there so I could see her marker and let go, it was early April. I get there and there is no marker, just the temp one. I paused, thinking that they had told us in December that it would take 90 days for them to get the marker out, but with my job I also deal with date ranges so I didn’t know if I was remembering right or not. Quick text to my niece and I was right. Great. I got to make a phone call.

I had also decided that same day to get a new phone, so on my way to the phone place after leaving the cemetery, I make my phone call. The rep who I had dealt with since 2017 started to argue with me that I didn’t order a marker. She was looking at the paperwork and it doesn’t- oh, you did order a marker. If I hadn’t been driving, I’m sure I would’ve facepalmed at this point. After pointless apologizes, she says she’ll get right on it. When I ask for a time frame, she’ll get back with me.

You may be wondering why, besides we paid for it, its such a big deal. Because I haven’t had my “funeral” for her until its there. That’s literally the symbol that I have done my job, my duty as her daughter, and I am done. I can let go. I can walk away without any guilt, regrets, or remorse. I have nothing held over my head. Honor and duty are a weird thing when you’re in a toxic situation.

This is the rabbit hole that I fell down. It started off, were is the marker we paid for and ended up taking from April until October for it to be finalized. Why? The funeral home didn’t want to do the extra work. I had to keep calling, it got to the point I actually went there one day and said I wasn’t leaving until I had answers, that was June I believe. The funeral home refused to ever call me, even after saying they would. I actually got a call from the cemetery telling me the marker had been placed in July. At this point, for my own mental health, I finally had my funeral and said goodbye, it was two days later I got that call.

I go to the cemetery and it was missing the vase. Nothing had ever been said, vases are optional. We used all the life insurance money, there was some left over after the price of the “package”. This opened a new can of worms and as soon as I said the rep who I’d been dealing with since 2017 altered the line item for the marker, if it wasn’t for a vase where did it go, the funeral home stopped talking. So I contacted the BBB. They even ignored the BBB. They finally responded to me, which at this point they had informed me they lost all my mothers paperwork. It hasn’t even been a year yet, and not even any digital copies suddenly existed. So I take pictures of my paperwork, and guess what they used in their counter response to the BBB? Yup, I snarked about that in my response back.

Just as I was going to give up and start thinking about hiring an attorney, a new person contacts me. Someone I never spoke to before. Apparently this funeral home is part of a ‘franchise’ so to speak, so this person was from another funeral home within the company. The owner had just seen my BBB complaint and had no idea what was going on, the employees at the funeral home had kept it from him, including the whole BBB thing. He was livid and wanted to make it right. They offered me money or to put the vase, whatever I wanted. I said I just wanted the vase, for this not to happen to another family, and to move on. The owner paid out of his own pocket, an additional $1500 to add the vase. You can’t just simply add a vase apparently, it had to be dug back up and a new piece of granite put down that had the vase extension. And I also heard it told that a lot of staff got replaced at that funeral home. No regrets.

So, the week before Halloween, the new marker with the vase was finally placed. It was done. I owe her nothing else in this life. I did my deed as a dutiful daughter, something she liked to remind me I never was. I could officially close that chapter on my life and move on. So why bring this up now? Because without her, I wouldn’t be part of who I am today. Because of her, I had to learn how to pick myself up after I fall. Learn how to treat my own wounds that was inflected. Learn how to wear a mask so I can only let those I trust really see who I am. How to be independent. How to be compassionate. How to sympathize. How to pay attention to details. How to hold my ground. How to be the exact opposite of her.

For those life lessons, I am grateful. It hurts to think of a child having to endure such pain as I did, but I wouldn’t take it back for myself because without it, I wouldn’t be her polar opposite.

Betrayal – Friends

Written 4.21.20

In all honesty, this is one topic I have been keeping buried and hidden. One that I have not wanted to even touch with a 10 ft pole for a reason. It’s the most sensitive one, the one that hurts the most. I can talk about my mothers abuse, my fathers death, my nightmare of a marriage, my assaults no problem. But this? This one hurts. Probably because it was by people I thought would never hurt me in the world, but they did. And this is the thought that finally came to my mind today that got me really thinking, that even though this hurt so deep, I’m glad it happened.

After being told I was adopted and then my father dying, my friends became my safe harbor. I could always count on them, I could trust them, they knew me, I didn’t have to pretend, they accepted me. When I count you as a friend, it means I trust you deeply. Or at least, it used to.

I never cared for popularity. I was happy having 2 or 3 friends, because I knew they were there and we’d have fun. Not even in middle school and definitely not in high school did I want to be the popular girl. But ironically, I was equally known even though I did nothing to try to be. I was just myself. I accepted people for who they are, because that’s what I wanted in return. I was honorable and loyal, if I gave you my word you knew that I meant it. You could rely on me, and if you did or where about to do something stupid I had no problem telling you so, maybe even hitting you upside the head for good measure.

I don’t friend collect. That’s what I called, and still do, people who have hundreds of friends on social media. To me my social media is personal, its my space (no pun intended) where I can put what I want. If I friend you, its because I don’t fear or have to sensor myself like I do in public. I don’t even think I’ve ever had more than 30 friends at one time on Facebook, come to think about it. So that’s why if there is a falling out or we lose connection, I don’t have a problem walking away. I had learned that painful lesson with my first ever best friend, I’m talking childhood pre preschool friend. We grew apart, when I realized that, I cried and cried. It was right around when I lost my dad, so that didn’t help either, but still. I then learned that people come into our lives to teach us a lesson, they are there for a reason, and when that is done they are gone. Stereotypical and cheesy as it sounds, its true.

I had lost connections with a few people that I would dare give the title BFF to. And just like with my first friend, it hurt. Some I had been friends with for years, some not as long, and we just lost the connection. I treasure those memories and think fondly on them, but no regrets. There were two people that didn’t apply to and I thought that maybe, just maybe, these are my lifetime friends. But in 2016 I was proven wrong, and the deepest pain happened.

I had moved a few times after dad died, between what I call my hometown and the major city just north of it. We started off in my hometown right when I started school, moved to the major city until my dad died. I had just finished 6^th grade when we went back to my hometown. Then right before my sophomore year of high school, we went back to the major city. That is where I met who I thought was a lifetime friend. She was a year younger than me, we had art class together. We got along and could talk, laugh, and just have fun. We sometimes hung out on lunch, I can’t remember if that was around art period or not to be honest. Her little brother and my baby brother (mother side) where actually friends and in the same grade, irony right?

We kinda stayed in touch when I switched schools but then my life went on a roller-coaster and I lost touch with her. We reconnected after a few years on social media, she had gotten married and had a baby by this point. I had just got out of a bad relationship and with, I guess you could call him, my high school sweetheart. I was working in electronic retail and loved it, that’s also where I met my second lifetime friend. With high school friend, we stayed in touch and would chat mainly via social media.

Coworker friend, we started to connect and we really bounded when another coworker was pregnant. We teamed together and decided to get her a bunch of baby stuff and just say it was from the store as a whole, her other family. We got to know one another and although I am a proud witch and her a Christian, we got along just fine because neither of us criticized the other or pressed the other about religion. I didn’t really have questions, but if I did I would just ask and she would as well. Plus it was nice to get along with the few females that was in our store.

Coworker suddenly got married, went back to Texas and lost touch. High school and I still kept talking on social media, occasionally meeting up. Then I had another roller-coaster life where my marriage went really bad, lost my job, sister died, decided to get my associates degree. High school and I seemed to have really reconnected stronger at that point, this was about 2010. Then suddenly coworker popped back up, I believe that was around 2011. Suddenly it was like I just gained two sisters I had always wanted. I had introduced the two and they had clicked, it made me insanely happy that I had my own little inner circle and things were going great!

Ahh, 2016. This is just a year I wish I could forget, but at the same time I don’t want to with all the lessons it brought. On top of my health, me hating my job to a whole new level, and my mothers failing health… I had finally opened myself back up to the possibility of romance and found a guy who seemed to be a good match for me. I met him through a former coworker, they got along. I introduced him to my sisters (see above) and they liked him and got along. But he had his own dark side and demons to deal with, and one episode caused me to panic because he just disappeared and no one knew what was going on.

The girls chewed him out like no tomorrow. I knew it was coming, they had warned me. And I told them I wouldn’t stop them, it was within their rights to be worried for my wellbeing and it wouldn’t be fair for me to hold them back. They ripped into him and he took it, I had liked to think at the time that he was level headed like me. He understood where they were coming from and welcomed it. He agreed with them. But they hit a raw nerve and he struck back. He was perceptive like I am, he picked up things in their past that they had never told me. A bomb just went off.

They had thought they had told me those sensitive parts of their past, but they hadn’t. Any time I discussed anything with him regarding them, I always asked their permission first and they knew what I was talking to him about. Suddenly I went from the one who needed to be protected to the offender. I had not said a word but when he struck a nerve on them both, I was the betrayer. I had told their secrets without their permission. Still to this day, I doubt they realize I had never knew any of that about them that he picked up on his own.

They hurt me deep. There are few things (at that time) that I took pride of myself in. My honor, loyalty, and trust where the biggest ones. I never did anything that was dishonorable. I was loyal to an extreme fault, if you earned my loyalty, it was hard to lose it. And I always made a point to be a trust worthy person. You could be yourself, tell me anything you needed, and I would never judge you and would be there for you. They threw those in my face saying I wasn’t who I claimed to be. I didn’t protect them and I told him things I should never have.

At first I cut ties to them. But then he abandoned me too, telling me I shouldn’t leave my sisters. Even though I explained to him my point of view, if they were truly my sisters, they would know that what they said of me wasn’t true. But they didn’t. I had decided to be selfish for once and pick the guy and my happiness, and it bit me in the ass multiple times. I still feel like them accusing me of things I didn’t do, never once listening to me or trying to talk to me about it, they lit the bridge on fire. Not me. I decided to walk away instead of cowing down and saying I was the bad guy and taking the blame. That is what my mother and my ex-husband made me do, no more. I wasn’t at fault, I didn’t do what I was accused of, and I won’t take the blame when it isn’t mine.

I spent many days crying over the loss of who I believed where my sisters, and over a guy who managed to break me out of my 7 year shell. Go figure. Up until a certain point last year, the thought of them hurt so bad that any time Facebook showed me any memories with them I would deleted them. But I stopped. I realized that the memories I was being shown (random posts or comments to posts) was on different times. When they really where my sisters. When we imagined we get a huge amount of land and the three of us build our own houses to have a community. I had their backs and they had mine.

From late 2013 until late 2015 when I was my mothers caretaker, my sisters where there every step of the way with me. I could cry to them. Vent to them. Make them laugh with stories. Share my frustration. They where my rock and a place that I could stop and breathe. And when I lost them, I realized I had never faced anything alone. I didn’t know how to stand on my own feet. I didn’t know how to decompress by myself. I didn’t know how to trust my own self and to rely on my own self. And stop apologizing for being myself!

At first I bitterly thought that if I let anyone close they either die (dad) or they hurt me (sisters), therefore I shouldn’t and couldn’t trust anyone close to me. Keep everyone at an arms length away. Never truly let someone in, never truly let them see you, never rely on them. Its taken a few years, and random thoughts since I never wanted to touch this subject for a long time, to realize that isn’t true. I can let people in. I can trust people. I can let people see who I am. The thing is, I shouldn’t hide. And that’s exactly what I was doing, hiding who I was from not just the world but from myself.

Your vibe attracts your tribe. It’s a phrase I’ve seen so much lately these past few years, it seems like more so after everything went down with my sisters. But its true. But you can’t let your vibe attract if you hide it from even yourself. So now, unless it calls for me to be professional (mainly work), I let myself be myself. I tease. I joke. I get frustrated. I rant. I rave. I laugh. I cry. I snort. Its who I am. Who cares if I’m the only one? Its what matters to me, not what matters to everyone else. If something makes me cry, then cry. If something makes me laugh, then laugh. My life is my own, not to be lived for the approval of others.

The Chapter Is Closed

Today was the day that was the official closure to this whole ordeal regarding my mother. I was feeling anxious the closer the time got to the actual funeral. I had moments where I just literally zoned out and just disconnected basically. I wasn’t numb but just not thinking.

 

My family was supportive and making sure I was okay. My boss and one of my close friends also was able to be there with me as well. I think I did cry a little because I was a little overwhelmed with the compassion I had.

 

But I realized, I still feel calm and at peace. I am still pretty sure that the past year I have been grieving, it was just not knowing the when to be prepared for was the only shock. I have said my goodbyes many times over the past year. I have understood it was coming. I didn’t want her to suffer, so when medical issues arose I got upset because I didn’t want to see her suffer anymore.

 

I have come to understand and accept that the relationship her and I had was toxic. That is why I had to step away. I still kept tabs on her and I ran if it was needed, but I couldn’t be around her. Since I was ten years old I realized that my dad was the buffer between her and I, we clashed too much and refused to understand one another.

 

But that is all in the past, a closed chapter in my life. I feel free because I now do not have to worry about any guilt or repercussion so to speak on anything I do from this point forward with my life. And during all of this, being able to spend time with my older sister I got to learn more things and have my eyes opened to things that I once was blinded to.

 

I am excited to say I did reach out to my biological mother today, letting her know that I would love to have a mother and daughter relationship with her that we should have had; and let her know that neither of us have to worry about guilt in wanting to do so now. I’m keeping hopeful that maybe this is the time for our chapter to start, which it should have been years ago.

This Is My Goodbye

 

December 17, 2018 I lost my mother. Ironically, it had literally been 1 year to the day I signed the paperwork to put her on Hospice. It has been a long road for a lot of us, not knowing the “when” or how, and secretly just hoping that she would pass peacefully in her sleep with no more suffering.

 

I will not hide the fact that after I saw her before I signed her up on Hospice, I realized for my own emotional and mental health, I couldn’t see her. I didn’t want my last memories of her in my mind of her being sickly and frail. I just couldn’t do it. But on Monday, I had a feeling that I needed to go up there when I was told my sister and niece was meeting up there. I just felt a pull that I needed to go.

 

When we got there, they told us they where giving her a bath, so we waited in the hall with a very sweet gentleman from Hospice. Suddenly we started noticing several of the Hospice nurses as well as the nursing home nurses going in and out of her room. I was right next to the door so I didn’t see them signal that we could go in, I followed in last behind my sister. My niece turned to me and said she was gone.

 

Of course my immediate reaction was “WHAT?!” and I just started to cry. I cannot find the words to say how much it meant to me that my sister spun around and just held me as I cried. Then my niece and I just held each other and cried. Yes, I knew it was coming. But I didn’t know WHEN.

 

Saturday they warned us that she was declining and thought it was soon; my niece didn’t want to believe it and sadly my gut was telling me it was true. But I had been wrong about that before, so I didn’t try to focus or think about it all weekend. But then I started to get anxious at work Monday to the point I was sick, then my niece told me they where meeting up there.

 

I cannot express how grateful I am for the people I work with. My sup and other management told me to get out of there, I like to joke and say they kicked me out that day, but I’m glad my sup pushed me to go. Considering she passed about 20 minutes or so of us being there, I wouldn’t have been able to live with the fact I ignored the pull I had.

 

Hospice told us that they informed her we was all there, and I think that gave her comfort in letting go. When I went in the room, I was afraid to look at her, but when I did I felt a sense of calm. She looked so peaceful, literally like she was sleeping. I was waiting to hear her start snoring. We sat in the room with her until the funeral home came to get her, and honestly? I think I needed that. It was closure.

 

When we moved her into the nursing home due to her health, we had to put her on Medicaid because the money wasn’t there to pay for it. In doing so, we learned that they would take her life insurance policy, so we had to cash it out. And I went to the funeral home and ended up pre-planning and paying for the funeral. I knew I would appreciate it later, and now is the later, I cannot say how grateful I have done so.

 

Although the past four days have seemed like a whirlwind and never ending, it has been the smoothest thing I’ve never dealt with. Not only the pre-planning helped but also having my sister, niece, and myself all being on the same page. No drama. No arguments. No bickering. Just smooth, to the point, and done.

 

Today is the day of the funeral. You may be thinking with me writing this up at 2 in the morning that my nerves have finally got me. The truth is, I knew I needed to write something, but I couldn’t seem to focus or find the right way I wanted to go. Plus, last night I had a drink and of course I did the hard core sleep a few hours now I’m wide awake.

 

With my mom’s passing, I have found a new kind of peace. I feel freed form past burdens. I feel like this is opening a new chapter on my life. And to be honest, I’m going to try to see if I can finally have a guilt-free relationship with my biological mother. Although this is an ending to my mother’s story, this is just the start of a new chapter in my own.

 

Just A Hug

A simple gesture to most, but quite possibly be everything to another. Its a simple token of affection that is universal. It can be between family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers. It can say “I love you”, “I’m sorry”, “I care”, or “You’ll be okay”.

Yet, withholding such a gesture can do just as much damage. It can leave you feeling rejected, unwanted, cold, unloved, and unimportant. Sadly, I’m too familiar with the negatives of it. But, at the same time, if it wasn’t for the negatives, I wouldn’t understand the value and meaning of something like the hug.

From Feb 1998 on, my life greatly lacked affection. If it was given, it felt forced. Or on my side, felt mandatory. It was never given freely, and when I tried to, it was shot down with negativity (“What did you do wrong”) or with a price (“What do you want”).

But I was lucky that I had my dog companion who helped keep me grounded as well as good friends. They showed me affection isn’t negative or at a price. It can be given and received freely. And when it is, its the best thing in the world.

I still to this day have much repressed pain around this. So many times I can recall a bad pr horrible moment in my life when all I simply wanted was a hug. I had to go to anyone but my mother to get it. And most of the time, no matter my age, that simple gesture breaks me down to tears.

Maybe its because I’m an empath and really synced with my surroundings, I go into hyper drive when I’m distressed, or maybe its because I’m in the red for how many hugs I’ve needed in life; but it seems like to me I can feel and almost hear the persons intent when they give me a hug. And never once has it been negative. The feeling of comfort and compassion nearly brings me to my knees, which is probably why I’ll start bawling no matter how hard I try.

This is me. I am an emotional person. I can pick up the feelings from others. I value simple things that so many take for granted.

I Finally Realized…

Affection.

Acknowledgement.

Apology.

Sometimes my body likes to wake me up in the middle of the night, sometimes despite how tired I am my mind will kick on and the thoughts start. For me, one topic can branch out like tree; the subject, my mother.

I don’t even know how I started to think about her, but I realized that she just seemed to have given up after she got sick in 2013. Which made me think about those first 5 months about how hard and stressful it was. I had never planned on telling my mother just how bad she had got, but after her constantly telling my Aunt how horrible of a person I was, my Aunt gladly told her everything.

How (at that time I worked from 10p-630a, Tue-Sat) after work I’d go straight to the hospital to check on her and stay until I saw the Dr everyday (which sometimes was until 10a), sleep 2 or 3 hrs, go to work a normal shift; on Sundays I’d go straight to her house to pack and clean until 5p then go back on Mondays too. How the Dr (at that time) gave up on her and was pressuring me to say just let her die.

My Aunt ripped my mom one. I had no idea until I went over there and she pulled me into a tight hug and said “Baby, I’m so sorry. I had no idea you had to go threw all that. You never told mama.” And I told her I didn’t plan on it.

But just remembering that moment caused me to burst into tears. All I’ve ever wanted from my mother was affection, acknowledgement, and an apology. That is part of my personal resentment I have against her.

It seemed I was never good enough. I grew up, after my father passed, constantly being compared to everyone else in the family no matter if it was good (so-and-so did it better than me) or bad (you’re going to turn out just like so-and-so). My last piano recital, I decided to play AND sing ‘Think of Me’ from Phantom of the Opera. People where blown away and kept telling my mom how proud she should be of me, that was the only time I ever heard it. Was after someone prompted her to say it.

She never shown me any affection. She was more loving to her dog Eddie than she was with me. So because of that, if SHE wanted affection, it felt awkward to me because I wasn’t comfortable with it. As I’ve said, I’m more comfortable hugging a stranger or telling a friend I love them than my own mother.

All I want, is for her on her own free will, without being prompted, to apologize for the hell she put me threw since 1998. It’ll never happen. The closest I’ll ever get was last year before she was put in the nursing home, she tried to use my father against me in a guilt trip. But I turned it on her, “Do you think Dad would be proud for how YOU’RE acting?! We’re busting our asses for you and you’re being a complete ass to us!” And she said I was right. Not a total validation, but as I said, as close as I’d ever get.

I’ll never get the affection (far too late) or acknowledgement from her, and she’ll never admit to being the cause and not the victim. I need to try to work on finding peace now that I understand what part of my hang up is. At least I finally found the starting point, until now I had no idea what my issue could be besides the anger I held for how she treated others growing up.

Hopefully with knowing my personal issues now, working on them, that’ll also help with letting the anger go too.

All My Exs In One Room

You know its going to be a fun dream when all of your exs, from childhood to your last relationship, are in one room. They’re all telling the other what they did to hurt me, how horrible they are in their own way; but then something interesting happened.

A version of me got up and got their attention. She let them know the real truth:

My first middle school boyfriend, Z, I was terrified of. I had a vision of us in high school, happy and together, I thought he was the one. It both thrilled and terrified me. Then he started to become more assertive, aggressive, and dominamt; I wasn’t ready for it mentally so I ran.

My high school boyfriend, B, you where the one who essentially opened the grave. You showed me that because you’re mother ruled your life, I was never good enough because she said so. I wasn’t worthy to be fought for. I was worthless.

My adult boyfriend, W, you basically put me in the coffin by showed me it was okay to be abused. You showed me there wasn’t just physical abuse but mental and spiritual as well. You showed me that is what I deserved.

My ex-husband, C, you put the nail in the coffin. You did everything the others before you did. You cemented the idea that the past behaviors of the others was the right way. That no matter what I did, or what others told me to do, I didn’t deserve love or respect.

My last relationship, K, you put me in the grave. After I thought my heart was healed to try again, I opened up despite seeing the warnings, and loved you. You took my love and my body and just used me. I still to this day don’t understand what you got out of it besides a power trip. You told me nothing but lies, yet I was still foolish enough to buy them.

This is where I’m at. The part of me that is loving and trusting is buried in a grave. How do I get her back? Is she really dead or just trapped? Do I want to get her back after almost 6 years? Can I?

Realization

As I try to unwind for the night, I started to think over my day and what I achieved. Then it hit me, I’ve been so harsh on myself these years, putting myself to others standards that I didn’t think about my own personal situation.

I suffer from depression, anxiety, PTSD, insomnia, chronic migraines, and chronic back pain. I have good days, where I can clean my entire home in a few hours. I have bad days, I’m proud I cooked something vs ordering food.

I have good days, I actually got more than 4 hours sleep. I have bad days, I’m not sure I ever slept. I have good days, I can enjoy the sun and smile at the sound of birds. I have bad days, I love my blackout curtains and headphones.

I was thinking about how today I cooked all 3 meals, got my laundry fully done (meaning put away), trash ready to go out in the morning, and did all dishes. Then, as normal, I think about how I used to do so much more.

Then something amazing happened, another voice chimed in and reminded me I’ve been threw a lot more now than then; since I was 16, there has only been 1 day in my life I have been 100% pain free. I live in pain everyday and the fact that I get out of bed is a big achievement. The fact I am still able to get things done, no matter if I have to do it one part at a time, is a huge achievement. The simple fact I don’t give up is why I should be proud.

Don’t let what others do be what you base your reality on. We are all different. We all have different things going on in our lives. Live life how its best FOR YOU at YOUR own pace. No one lives your life but you, so focus on you.